Week 8 Coaching call Assignment #5

Michelle Jacobs

Coaching assignment # 5 Week 8

March 30, 2014

Part One:

For my 15-minute meditation I sat by my window because in my opinion the weather was not warm enough for me to sit outside.  Although the weather wasn’t great, I saw a few people on their bikes ride by and a couple of neighbors walk their dog. While sitting and looking out of my window, I thought about my recent move from Providence, RI to Seekonk, MA. The atmosphere here is so different from when I was living in Providence. My new atmosphere is so peaceful and calm. I can hear the birds chirping outside and rarely hear noise from the cars driving by. It was nice to engross myself in my surrounding and be aware of what was going on.

Who is myself?- Until I sat and thought about this question, I had a difficult time understanding who I am. I have been a student since I was five years old but come this spring, I will no longer be able to classify myself as a student. So when I thought deep down about what I really care about and what I enjoy. I thought about traveling the world. In the recent years, I have traveled around the United States to various places. Once I am finished with school, I plan to travel to various places around the world to explore. I have read and learned about the history of other countries. Now I would like to see and explore those countries for myself.

What work does this person wish to do?  The purpose of your existence or what you are meant to be.- This is something that has evolved over time for me. While I was an undergraduate I needed a second job so I took a job providing supports to a child with Autism. This is not a job I thought I would love but to my surprise it has became my passion. Each day I go to work, it is a learning experience. While I know I have a huge impact on their lives, I feel as though they have an equally important impact on me. I have learned so much from the people I support that have disabilities. I currently work in the state of Rhode Island supporting adults over 21 with developmental disabilities. The state of RI continues to cut our budget and expect that we are able to provide the same services. As a result, many of my clients have been impacted deeply by the budget cuts and I feel as though this is part of my purpose is to fight for better funding so we can provide the best services to those we support.  I hope one day this will longer be my purpose in life because we were succeeded at getting better supports for our clients.

Part two:

This week I was able to engage in a conversation with my boyfriend. With our busy schedules the last 6 months, it has been difficult to engage in a deep thought provoking conversation because of our time restraints. This week we scheduled some time to engage in a real conversation. I focused on what he was saying and I didn’t interrupt while he was talking. I waited until he stopped or when he asked if I wanted to add to the conversation. By doing so, we were able to reach a high quality of conversation. I think by continuing to put time aside for each other, he can reach his highest potential because I do not interrupt or try to one up him in our conversation. I allow him to speak without adding my judgments.

In my coaching call with Wendy, she offered her experience of being outside at a farm and being a ware of things that she wasn’t aware of before. She stated that she is seeing things differently and began questioning what was there before. She thought of the impact of all the previous people that had come before her. This experience allowed her to get the most out of her conversations and move into deeper conversations. Wendy discussed the conversation with a friend she recently got back in touch with and how prescencing allowed for an open and deep conversation.

My coaching call with Kerri discussed my experience with or attempt at an experience with nature. I attempted to experience nature by looking through a window. While I am not sure that I am more in touch with nature I was able to reach a sense of calm. The environment or neighbor that I now live in is so comforting and relaxing. Kerri and I discussed the questions from the assignment. I described what a profound impact the developmentally disabled individuals have had on me and how I plan to advocate for their needs. I feel as though advocating for those who can not has become my purpose.

Coaching assignment #4 suspension

Michelle Jacobs

3/16/14

Coaching assignment # 4

This week while practicing suspension with my inner thoughts and feelings, I found it to be enlightening and peaceful. I found while meditating, it became easier to participate in the act of suspending. The first day I focused on using suspension solely on myself and focused on my thoughts and feelings. Surprising I found myself to be a happy person. Many of my thoughts and feelings when I was by myself or with friends and family were all happy feelings. The only time I felt annoyed or frustration was when I was with the general public. Times when I was in the store or driving in the car, I could see the shift in my feelings move towards being annoyed or frustrated. Normally I wouldn’t realize my frustration until later when I felt my jaw clenching but using suspension allowed me to see the frustration before I felt the body effects of tension. Once I felt I had a true understanding of suspension I attempted to use suspension with some family members and others that are typically easy to have a discussion with. I used suspension with my boyfriend, my mom and my sister. It was wonderful to attempt with my family and made the conversation easier to focus on while the other person was speaking. 

My first coaching call for the week, I met and coached Wendy. We discussed the idea of suspension and what we each felt suspension meant for us. Wendy explained that she used suspension with a close friend that she had a disagreement with over the summer. This friend stated that Wendy is at times judgmental towards her.  Wendy stated that she choose this particular friend because of the disagreement they had over the summer and because the friend has to have everything be about her. Wendy stated that suspension went well with this particular friend because the whole conversation was about her and what she wanted to say.  Wendy kept all of her judgments suspended, meaning she didn’t give her opinion or really talk much.  We each reflected on suspension and how we thought it could apply to each of our lives. I asked if Wendy found this task to be difficult and she stated no but felt the friendship was all about her friend and that’s all it would ever be. It’s just a one-way conversation and her friend just wants someone to listen to her. In our discussion a question came up; is suspension suppose to be used through the entire conversation or just parts of the conversation? She stated next time, she would like to add advocacy and try to use inquiry. The length of suspension is the question that we still have about suspension.

My second coaching call was with Kerri coaching me on suspension. Kerri and I discussed the practice of suspension and how we each tried to use it this week. I stated how I used suspension to become more aware of my feelings and thoughts. I mentioned how I used suspension with my family and friends. I thought it was easier to focus on the conversation.  I also stated that I used it with a difficult person at work and while it killed me to suspend judgments on that person I thought it was useful.  I can see myself using it with a difficult person more than with family and friends. The reason being I do not typically focus or expend additional energy on my conversations with family and friends like I do with co-workers.

Coaching assignment #3- Awareness

Michelle Jacobs

Coaching assignment  #3

Tuesday – Awareness of your body

In the beginning of my day, this concept of being aware of my body was difficult. This week I Tuesday was the beginning of the workweek and it was extremely difficult to step out of my typical routine and look at my body movements.  One of my body movements that I chose to focus on today was my morning tooth brushing routine. I realized that while engaging in this routine I forget that I have a body. I move through the steps of what needs to be done without really thinking about what I am doing or what needs to be done next. Even though I complete this routine in front of my bathroom mirror I found that I needed to force myself to look in the mirror so I could watch the movements of my body. The next activity that I brought body awareness to was driving to work that day. Most morning I am in such a fog/ routine, however you look at it, I simply engage in the same patterns of behavior that I forget to realize what my body is doing. That morning I chose to pay attention to my rigid body while driving with the morning commute. I believe awareness of your body can help in the context of conversation because you have to stop and think about what you are doing rather than just allowing your mind to ramble or continuously talk without any context in the conversation.

Wednesday- Awareness of breathing

I noticed that breathing changes depending on the situation and the person that I am engaging in a conversation with. I noticed that I struggled to control my breathing while eating. Typically eating is not an area where I tend to spend a lot of my time and I rush through mealtime. During lunch I forced myself to just focus on eating my lunch and focus on my breaths. I usually work while I am eating my lunch and focus my attention on the task that I am engaged in. Another time that I noticed that I was not aware of my breathing was during our weekly team meeting at work. This is typically I stressful time for the supervisors at my job because there is not a open flow of conversation in our meetings but rather being talked to. Awareness of my breathing can help with me in the context of conversation because it strengths my ability to remain calm and focused. In some conversations, I may become upset because of who I am engaging in a conversation with or because I do not agree with the opinion of the other person.  Some times when I am annoyed or frustrated in dialogue I realize that my breathing becomes quick because I am not focusing my attention on body or breathing. I shifted my awareness of my breathing while stuck in traffic and it allowed me to regain my sense of calm. 

  

Thursday- Awareness of your emotions

My emotional state that I am in today would be happy.  This week I started a workout regime and I am happy that I have been able to continue with my workout regime even though I have such a busy work and school schedule.  Today is only day four of the workout routine but I have not given up and I am sticking to my goals.  There have been moments of frustration but I rarely have days that are in complete bliss. Frustration is an emotion that I get tangled up into very easily. I think the reason for this is because I have learned way to express my frustration with things and then learned to move on. I do not linger with my feelings of frustration. Whether I am frustrated with a person or a task that I am engaging in, I confront those feelings and continue with my day. I feel as though it is not a good to feel frustration and ignore it. Otherwise you will be reflecting on frustration through out the day. A moment where I was able to reflect on an emotion was during my driving commute. I get very annoyed with how inconsiderate drivers are of the other drivers on the road.  During my commute in the morning, I was being my emotion of annoyed and I realized that I started to act or exhibit annoyed behavior.  But in my afternoon commute, I was in the moment while driving and brought awareness to the emotion of being annoyed.  I did notice a difference when I brought awareness to the emotion but I found myself still reverting back to being the emotion. It was very difficult for me to be aware of this particular emotion.

Friday- Awareness of thought

I found this exercise to be very appealing to me. I found that I am often in thought and actually have a difficult time stopping thoughts when I might need to divert my attention elsewhere. I did find myself from time to time downloading with particular people. I find it difficult to be in the moment with the conversation of others rather than download. In the reading, meditation instruction, the author states “ We might feel that thinking about the past or the future makes our life richer, but by not paying attention to the immediate situation, we are actually missing our life. There is nothing we can do about the past, we can only go over it again and again, and the future is completely unknown.” This quote has had such profound impact on how I view my life. I realized that I often allow my thoughts to have me. I always live my life for the next day. What is going on tomorrow or next week? I rarely am in the moment with my thoughts. Since I was younger, I have always had strong educational goals but I often allow those thoughts to overpower my day.  Since reading that quote and applying the practice of awareness of thought I have tried to be in the moment rather than living in the next moment. It has been difficult and each day I will continue to practice awareness of my thoughts.

Week 4 Coaching assignment #2- Four player model

In my first conversation, I practiced the role of the opposer. It was outside of my comfort level to engage in this role.  This past week my boyfriend and I moved to a new apartment. My mom came over to see our new apartment and typically has some comment about where an item was placed or why we picked out that type of furniture. So when she came to visit, I engaged the role of the opposer. Rather than just expect what she was saying and move the item or ask what furniture would have been a better pick, I challenged what she was saying and questioned her validity. It was difficult to challenge what she was saying because for years I usually assumed the role of the follower. I know my mom was a bit surprised to be questioned about what she was saying because all of her children tend to take on the role of follower or the bystander and they rarely change their role. I believe because my mom is moving away from dialogue, in most conversations we tend to get stuck in our positions.

            In my second conversation, I informally shared the model with my boyfriend Rob. I shared the four roles of Kandor’s model and explained what they each stood for.  I also discussed with him the four practices that pertain to the roles that I previously described. In our conversation, we discussed the members of our family and how some of them tend to get stuck in a particular position and few of them have their preferred dialogue position.  I later explained to him that while my mom was over that I had decided to change my preferred role with her while visiting our new apartment. Rob stated that he was able to distinguish the difference between my preferred role and the practiced role. He stated that the dialogue appeared contrived at the beginning but as the conversation continued, the new role seemed welcoming and fresh. He stated that the others around the conversation, my sister and step- dad seemed confused by the role reversal but thought it was good for my mom to engage in a dialogue outside of her typical role.

In my third conversation, I engaged in dialogue with my younger sister who I do not agree with some of her life choices and I tend to download when engaging in conversation with her. Rather than being the opposer like I usually engage in, I practiced the role of the mover. I listened to what she saying and I stopped and offered direction without any judgment. I initiated ideas for some of her problems and offered follow-up to her problems if she felt as though she needed it. My sister seemed very pleased with the change in my dialogue role. It allowed us to engage a friendly conversation. No longer downloading while engaged in conversation has helped me to practice role in dialogue that I am not typically accustomed to engaging in. 

What are our preferred roles? Coaching with Wendy and Kerri

This past week I met with Kerri for our coaching. We each discussed what our preferred position was for conversing in dialogue with others in our lives. First we discussed the four-player model for group conversations in the work place. We agreed that a portion of the conversation would be dictated by manners or self-control of the participants in the conversation. I mentioned that at my job each week we have team meeting and that they are rather pointless. There is no back and forth dialogue but rather we are talked to. Each person in the meeting tends to get stuck in his or her position. Kerri and I discussed whether or not it is worth changing your position within the meetings because of the hierarchy of the individuals holding the meeting. It is frowned upon if you become the opposer in the meeting and are likely to receive feedback for being a bad team player if you give your opinion or make a suggestion on a topic. Kerri mentioned prior to our meeting, she had a argument/ conversation with her daughter. We then discussed how the dialogue or positions of dialogue have changed between children and their parents over the years. I explained that since I do not have children that I thought most children would be bystanders within a dialogue with their parents but Kerri stated that more and more children become opposer with their parents and tend to put up a fight.  We discussed the role that we play with various members of our families. With the older generations in my family, I tend to be the bystander.  It is seen as a sign of respect when you listen to what they tell you and you do it. It is considered disrespectful to question what a grandparent or parent is asking/ telling you to do. Kerri and I discussed that many members of our family expected us to be seen not heard. 

Wendy and I met with week for our coaching. We discussed the 4-player model and how we apply it to the different relationships in our lives.  Wendy mentioned that she played the opposite role with her mother. She tried the role of the mover rather than the follower.  She mentioned how with certain people in our lives it can become a long-standing role if we do not do anything to change it.  We discussed that with friends we can circle around with the different roles. With family members that are rigid it can be difficult to change the role because they expect the roles to remain the same out of respect.  I mentioned how I think the preferred role could play into the nuture vs nature discussion. Does your family and surrounding decide what role you will prefer or is that how you were born?

Wendy and I discussed practicing different roles of dialogue with members of our family or co-workers. I explained that I practiced the role of the opposer with my mom. I explained that my boyfriend and I just moved. I also went into the background of the relationship that I have with my mom and how she tends to the mover. She often will initiate ideas and offer direction on how she thinks things should be done. The way that she offers her opinions and gives advice appears to be judgmental and can come off as being rude.   My sisters and I over the years have learned to become the bystander in the dialogue with my mom but it has been difficult for our significant others who struggle to deal with this role in dialogue.